Loss

Loss. It's such a small word but has so much meaning and emotion behind it. I'm not even really sure how to describe it. I do know it comes in all shapes and sizes. For example, you can lose a loved one, you can lose your keys, or when you're beloved car just won't start anymore. All different kinds of loss. All with completely different feelings.
Today, we lost our cat. It is quite a different feeling that when I lost my father some 18 years ago. Perhaps it was because I was much younger then. Or maybe because the loss of a human is different than the loss of one's furry friend.
Our crazy, nearly 12 year old cat, who was our beloved first pet. It was to be our first "baby" we adopted as newlyweds who now had cancer. A rapidly developing and aggressive form that completely took over her body in just a few short months. We never had to put a pet down before. It was a first for us. As adults, I don't think it was really any easier to handle. The inevitable is really all the same. She goes to the doctor and never comes back. Her food bowl gets put away. Pictures go up on a shelf.
It's the little things we'll remember now; like how she got her name, Vader. We were supposed to be getting a all black, male cat. Convincing my husband we should get a cat was pretty easy after we agreed he could name him. Imagine our surprise when we arrived to pick him up and HE turned out to be a tan and brown FEMALE cat. But the name stuck. So she became our "Vader."
There was also the time we thought she broke her leg as a kitten and walked around with a hot pink cast on that was bigger than she was. I lost count of how many times she chased our other animals away with a hiss or a growl if they so much as breathed her air. There were the times she would let my husband cradle her in his arms like a baby (only her daddy could do that!). We'll forever remember the way we taught her to say "Mama" when she wanted food. And I will forever tease my husband about how he was the only one who could make her purr so loudly from across a room and without ever touching her. Oh, and the way she would climb into the sink to drink water from the faucet...she was a unique cat, that's for sure!

Towards the end, she was a completely different cat. No spunk left in her to do anything. It was sad and hard to watch. We had a tough decision that had to be made. But it was time to let her go.
The only thing that could made this tough decision even worse was when we had to explain it to our 7 year old daughter and our empathetic 8 year old son who has autism. You think of things like death and as more of a human thing. People die and they go to heaven. Where does kitty go? (I for one am a firm believer that All Cats Go to Heaven, too; even this one.)

"Where is heaven?"

"How do we get there?"

"Can we visit?"

"When will she be back?"

So many unprepared questions. So hard to explain. For my daughter, it was just a matter of "When can we get another cat?" Not that she didn't care about this one, I think it was her way of coping with the loss; replace her and it would take her mind off it. But my son; my sweet, sensitive boy, only wanted his cat. He didn't want her to leave. If she has to go, he wants to go with her. So we talked about death, mourning, and grieving. And it started to sink in. I will never forget how just that afternoon, as he pet her at the doctor's office, he lovingly whispered that he was sorry she was sick and that she would be better soon. And now, he's petting her goodbye and his face just crumples. He runs to my lap and starts crying, telling me that he doesn't want her to die. There he sits for 5 minutes crying his eyes out. And there was nothing I could do.

Death is permanent. For some reason, we find that sad. Shouldn't we rejoice that we can move on from this world to somewhere better? Vader, or beloved cat, is now in heaven. Free of pain; not struggling for breath. She's running around with lost parents, friends, and other beloved animals just like when she was a kitten.

We'll miss you, kitty.

You will be remembered.

But most of all, you will always be loved.

RIP Kitty