One Proud Mama

 My boy had a rough day yesterday.

Being 16 is hard enough. High school. Hormones.

But also, Autism.

It's a lot to deal with, especially all at once.

He started his school day with an unexpected practice test that was long and he was clearly unprepared. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing or if what he was doing was right. His teacher told him to do his best. It was just practice.

Well, he lost it.

Total panic mode. It's been a while since I've seen him get that explosive, and that quickly. THE meltdown of meltdowns. There were tears, some not nice words for me and his teacher, and a whole lot of dysregulation. He had a hard time coming back from this particular episode. I could tell he was even a little frustrated with himself, too.

We had a LONG talk about what happened. We talked about strategies, Plan B's, what-should-we-do-differently's. We talked a lot about self control...

"It's going to be hard for you to learn to control yourself. You will have to work harder at it than most people because your brain is wired differently," I said.

"I wish I could wire it back the other way." he replied.

I know, buddy. Believe me, I know.

Fast forward to an email I received at work this morning. I sat at my desk begging the tears not to fall. But at the same time, wanting so desperately to cry for all the times this kid thought he couldn't, but did. I'm sure it sounds silly. If you only knew. Every time he gave up on himself. Every time he didn't mean to get upset but couldn't help it. Because he overcame, Every. Single. Time. And he will every time. He just has to believe in himself as much as I do🧩💙

Mama is so proud of you, buddy🥹🥲

The Dentist

You guys, buckle up; it's a good one..

I have to brag on my boy today. For those of you who don't know, he had to learn a lot of things that usually come easier to others. One of those things was going to the dentist. The first time he went to the dentist he was very little, maybe 3 years old and I had to hold him down as he kicked and screamed during the exam. The next time he went to the dentist, he was about 6 years old and he hooted and howled.

I pulled a hamstring. We both left crying.

Our dentist suggested we try a colleague local to the area. We did. This dentist sat with us for 5 minutes and refused to treat him unless I agreed to sedate him each time he came (and insurance didn't cover it).

So back we went to our dentist. Our dentist was more than patient and willing to help us overcome. She gave us tools and gadgets that would need to be in his mouth to take to OT in order to practice with. And he did it! My, what a little practice, patience, and a lot of compassion will get you!!

The mask, the gadgets, he was able to do all of it!

Fast forward to today, he's quite the little celebrity now. Everyone knows his name; it's like an episode of Cheers. They all remember him when he was little and they ALL stop to say Hi when they see him! Today, they surprised us with sealants for his molars. We didn't know. I wasn't able to prepare him. I immediately tensed up. Him, though? He said, "Ok."

The sweet tech talked him through the whole process, every step of the way. She let him know what was coming next, answered every one of his questions, and if something didn't feel right to him, she immediately remedied the situation. She was amazing! At one point, she reminded him that he was going to have the mouthpiece in his mouth the entire time. He told her, "Don't worry. I remember."

Today he rocked the dentist, tomorrow the world!

He actually expressed concern to his doctor that one day when he's older, he will have to leave and find a new dentist. "No, you won't," she said. "You can come here as long as you want."💙

Moral of this story?

Never, ever let anyone tell you you can't.

Because you most certainly will.

🧩

Unbroken

 I was broken. Defeated.

My soul hurt.

As the water hit my face, something inside me just let go. And I cried, gasping for air. Finally, the tears came, too, and my heart felt empty.

I felt confused and uncertain about what happens next. Until suddenly, I remembered to whom my soul belongs. As the song goes, "In your hurting, in your sorrow I will ask my God to move."

So I did.

I raised my hands to heaven confessing everything that I thought I knew, everything I thought I had under control. I knew this is what it felt like to be completely broken from the ways of this world. I knew I did it to myself; by myself. I knew I was broken in a way only God fix. And I asked Him to fix it; fix me. Make me whole where I let myself come apart. I asked God to fill me up and to be the center of everything I thought I knew. I asked Him to take hold of everything I was so desperately trying to control.

And my aching heart; literally and figuratively, that was so painfully falling apart just moments ago began to mend. I felt it instantly when I asked for God's help. When I let go of my burden's and gave them to the Lord. Within moments, my heart was whole again. A few moments after that, my tears dried themselves and my panicked breathing ceased. The peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7) washed over me. It flowed through me. The pain and the heartache I felt moments ago was completely erased and in it's place was joy, a tangible joy like I hadn't felt in years. I was no longer sad. I no longer felt the desire to give up. Instead, I felt loved; kept. Safe. Understood. The Lord answered by prayer, yes, but he also let me know just how close he truly is. We only have to call on Him! A call only He can answer!

Some will say it was a fluke. A trick of the mind. But that feeling is with me now, several days later. I got up the next day and every day since with a peace that is constantly washing over me and through me. The anger, rage, sadness, and confusion, all of it is gone, placed at Jesus' feet. For the first time in a long time joy, actual joy and appreciation for life sparked within me by the grace of God. I felt like a new person, no longer bound by the chains that were holding me down. A new person transformed through Christ. Hallelujah!

I'm not naïve enough to think the devil won't come for me again because he most certainly will. But like the devil always does, he comes when you least expect it. So be on guard, brothers and sisters. Stay diligent in your bible. The devil can't show up and worm his way into your life when you are walking side by side with Jesus. My God is real. I am safe. I am unbroken.

I am whole and I have been made free. Praise God! Thank you Jesus for loving me💙

We All Need a Little Grace

My son's ESE bus hit a deer this morning.

The bus and the kids were fine. They pulled off to the side of the road to check the damage but afterwards they couldn't get the doors to close again. The bus driver decided to rectify the situation himself, I guess. Several minutes went by to no avail. My boy did the only thing he knows how to do; he called his mama.

I was able to calm him down but I can hear the increased panic in his voice about the situation and being late to school. We talked for a few minutes then I assured him someone would let me know about the bus and that he might have to be a few minutes late for school and that was ok. He was NOT happy. But he waited, again, rather patiently I might add.

About 10 more minutes passed and I hadn't heard anything so I called him back.

He was hysterical.

The bus driver had told him I didn't need to come get him.

They still couldn't get the doors closed.

And now he was officially late for school.

As I attempted to calm him down once again, I could hear him trying to ask the driver or the aide what was going on and if they were going to leave soon. As they continued to ignore him, I could almost feel the last of his patience drift off into the cool fall air...

"MOMMY CAN YOU JUST COME GET ME?! THEY WON'T TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON AND WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE AND I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!!"

I asked him to ask the driver if they were leaving soon. He didn't get a response, so he said to me "I guess that's a no!" I heard him and the driver exchange some words and my son said something like "Well, you wouldn't answer me!" and the driver said something about him being a smartass and my son said "Now you're cursing at me!?" And that was the point I gave up and told him to tell the driver I was coming to get him.

At this point it had been about 40minutes since I was first alerted about the situation. I don't know if they didn't let the supervisors know or it was just taking forever for them to receive help but I knew he was only a few minutes from where I was and could have been in class already if I had went to get him. So off I went.

I pull up to the bus on the side of the road and out flies this flash of teenage boy in a puddle of tears who nearly knocks me down, followed closely by an angry and very frustrated bus driver. My sweet boy says something like "Get me away from him" and then stormed off and knew it had to be bad. The driver immediately starts in on how he repeatedly asked my son to be quiet and told him he had to calm down multiple times but he just wouldn't stop. At one point, he even rolled his eyes at me.

I reminded him that there's a reason he's on that bus. That change, specifically in routine, can throw his whole life out of whack. Oftentimes, what calms him down is answering his questions, talking gently to him and deescalating the situation.

Obviously, that didn't happen.

And if I'm being honestly, even that doesn't always work. In the future, to save time and aggravation, I would be happy to pick him up.

And off we went to school.

As soon as we got there, he immediately went into beast mode, checking in at the office and doing exactly what he needed to do.

"Mom, I'm going to class."

Me, watching his shoulders finally relax, "You sure you're going to be ok?"

"Yea, I have to go to class. Bye."

And all was right in the world once again.

I Was Unprepared

I was not prepared for the day my precious boy would ask,

"Was it hard for you because of my autism?"

Such a sweet boy💙

What a great question to ask and to help spread awareness! Very insightful, too. I wonder if it's because we just got back from our high school transition IEP meeting or because he can see mommy is barely holding on by a thread, but the short answer is, Yes.

I asked what made him think of that and he said, 'I just did.' So we talked about what autism looked like for him, before it was his diagnosis. We talked about how he had to learn to jump, run, button his shirt, or draw a stick person. We talked about his struggles to communicate his wants and needs. We talked about his big emotions even at a young age, and how he couldn't express what those emotions meant. There were a lot of meltdowns, tears, and guesses. There were a lot of times I didn't know how to help him. That was the hardest part.
I told him it was hard to watch him go through everything that he did. It was also hard to see him struggle and try to learn things that came so easily to neurotypical children. It was hard not to get the answers we wanted, time and time again. It was hard to hear doctors say that he wouldn't make it through one day of kindergarten. It was hard to hear them say medication was the only way to help him.

It. Was. Hard.

All of it.

For him and for me. But it was absolutely worth it and given the chance, I would do it all over again. There was a lot of learning; for both of us! His struggle made me become the mama bear I am today. Ignorant people, medical professionals even, who refused to listen to me, taught me never to doubt myself or what he is capable of. And look at the milestones he's already overcame in life. He has proved them wrong so many times over the years. As he moves forward at school and in life, so many people assume he can't. I sit back and let them underestimate him. I quite enjoy saying, "I told ya so."

The story I would like to share about awareness is not just one about an invisible disability, it's also one about a mama struggling to help her child. I would remind her that while some days are going to be hard, there will be victories. I would remind her that progress is progress, no matter how small and that each day, month, or year, gets a little easier. One day, she will be the voice of encouragement for a mom who just received a diagnosis for her son, much like someone was for her.

And all that sweet boy, newly diagnosed needs to know is that people will still love him no matter what. And one day, he will overcome whatever obstacle is in his way. I know that, because he will have a mama standing right next to him. She will catch him when he falls and stand back with tears in her eyes when her baby boy can finally tell everyone, "I told you so."