One Proud Mama

 My boy had a rough day yesterday.

Being 16 is hard enough. High school. Hormones.

But also, Autism.

It's a lot to deal with, especially all at once.

He started his school day with an unexpected practice test that was long and he was clearly unprepared. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing or if what he was doing was right. His teacher told him to do his best. It was just practice.

Well, he lost it.

Total panic mode. It's been a while since I've seen him get that explosive, and that quickly. THE meltdown of meltdowns. There were tears, some not nice words for me and his teacher, and a whole lot of dysregulation. He had a hard time coming back from this particular episode. I could tell he was even a little frustrated with himself, too.

We had a LONG talk about what happened. We talked about strategies, Plan B's, what-should-we-do-differently's. We talked a lot about self control...

"It's going to be hard for you to learn to control yourself. You will have to work harder at it than most people because your brain is wired differently," I said.

"I wish I could wire it back the other way." he replied.

I know, buddy. Believe me, I know.

Fast forward to an email I received at work this morning. I sat at my desk begging the tears not to fall. But at the same time, wanting so desperately to cry for all the times this kid thought he couldn't, but did. I'm sure it sounds silly. If you only knew. Every time he gave up on himself. Every time he didn't mean to get upset but couldn't help it. Because he overcame, Every. Single. Time. And he will every time. He just has to believe in himself as much as I do🧩💙

Mama is so proud of you, buddy🥹🥲

I Was Unprepared

I was not prepared for the day my precious boy would ask,

"Was it hard for you because of my autism?"

Such a sweet boy💙

What a great question to ask and to help spread awareness! Very insightful, too. I wonder if it's because we just got back from our high school transition IEP meeting or because he can see mommy is barely holding on by a thread, but the short answer is, Yes.

I asked what made him think of that and he said, 'I just did.' So we talked about what autism looked like for him, before it was his diagnosis. We talked about how he had to learn to jump, run, button his shirt, or draw a stick person. We talked about his struggles to communicate his wants and needs. We talked about his big emotions even at a young age, and how he couldn't express what those emotions meant. There were a lot of meltdowns, tears, and guesses. There were a lot of times I didn't know how to help him. That was the hardest part.
I told him it was hard to watch him go through everything that he did. It was also hard to see him struggle and try to learn things that came so easily to neurotypical children. It was hard not to get the answers we wanted, time and time again. It was hard to hear doctors say that he wouldn't make it through one day of kindergarten. It was hard to hear them say medication was the only way to help him.

It. Was. Hard.

All of it.

For him and for me. But it was absolutely worth it and given the chance, I would do it all over again. There was a lot of learning; for both of us! His struggle made me become the mama bear I am today. Ignorant people, medical professionals even, who refused to listen to me, taught me never to doubt myself or what he is capable of. And look at the milestones he's already overcame in life. He has proved them wrong so many times over the years. As he moves forward at school and in life, so many people assume he can't. I sit back and let them underestimate him. I quite enjoy saying, "I told ya so."

The story I would like to share about awareness is not just one about an invisible disability, it's also one about a mama struggling to help her child. I would remind her that while some days are going to be hard, there will be victories. I would remind her that progress is progress, no matter how small and that each day, month, or year, gets a little easier. One day, she will be the voice of encouragement for a mom who just received a diagnosis for her son, much like someone was for her.

And all that sweet boy, newly diagnosed needs to know is that people will still love him no matter what. And one day, he will overcome whatever obstacle is in his way. I know that, because he will have a mama standing right next to him. She will catch him when he falls and stand back with tears in her eyes when her baby boy can finally tell everyone, "I told you so."