Parenting Fail

I thought I had a handle on this parenting thing. As a special needs parent, ironically I find it much harder to parent my neurotypical child, believe it or not. I thought my daughter and I were doing well. I try to give her the attention that she so desperately needs because the focus is often times on her brother who has autism. I try to be friendly, loving, caring, and as much as I can, silly, too. But no matter what I do, I seem to always "do it wrong" with her. I get an attitude from her about anything and everything which usually, though not always, ends in her emotional breakdown. It seems tonight was her breaking point. She said the words a mom hopes she never has to hear: "I wish you weren't my mommy."

So many things flowed through my head at that moment. Do other moms go through this? What should I do? What should I say? What does this say about me as a mom? What does this say about the relationship with my daughter? And even as I talked myself through not reacting I could feel the tears behind my eyes. Mostly though, because I was sad for her. She got so upset that she lost control. She felt like this was the only way to express herself. Shame on me.
Now to be fair to her, she had a long day made longer by her late gymnastics class. She was hungry, she was tired, she was just ready to be done. The whole situation itself, I feel like I handled well but the way that it ended, basically her not getting her way, ended very, very badly. I'm not sharing this so that anyone thinks little of her, berates her for her behavior, or says I'm a terrible mother. I share this so people will know that while kids don't always get it right, neither do parents. We are all still learning. In fact, I just learned that tonight.
My daughter is one of the most compassionate, sweet, loving, and caring six year olds I know. She is already smarter than I will ever be. She's mature beyond many years. And she has always been so very independent that I sometimes forget she's only six. I know that what she said, though hurtful and purposefully unkind, was said in anger. And the kind of person she is means she will beat herself up for upsetting me. She will be sad and disappointed in herself for what she said without me having to say a word. She knows right from wrong. But we all make mistakes. We learn and we move on. We all have consequences in order to remind us about what learned. We do better next time. 

I share this because I think maybe, just maybe I needed a reminder that when we don't always get it right. It just means we need to work harder as a family to get through things like this together. I believe it will make us stronger. This whole incident taught me that there's never a lull in parenting. I think this had to happen because what I thought was a stable relationship with my little girl was really slowly sinking. I think I needed a wake-up call to be able to see that. I'm glad I did, before it was too late. Now she and I, along with my family, have some work to do.

I love you, Mama. We'll fix this. XoXo

Milestone Accomplished

I feel like I must prepare you for all the bragging that is about to happen. Just let me just say, he has earned it. Last night was a milestone of epic proportions for my little guy and he absolutely deserves to share it with the world.

When Ethan was in Kindergarten a couple of years ago, they put on a play that involved all the kids singing and talking into a microphone. Ethan was hysterically crying, no that word doesn't describe it properly. I would say he was sobbing more than anything. The. Entire. Time. 

Okay, I take that back. At the very end, when it was his turn to say his name into the microphone, that went really well, he enjoyed that part. But the singing, people all around him, everyone moving from one point to the other was awful for him. Now, he had just transitioned to a new school, new teachers, classroom and friends, and those were all on the tails of a brand new diagnosis. So, to say things were hard for him at that time would be an understatement.

He had gotten so upset during the performance that his teacher gave him a stuffed animal from his classroom to hold. Still, he continued to cry uncontrollably. Little tears streamed down his face, one right after the other. As his mom, it was hard to watch but I was able to witness the loving exchange that happened between him and his ESE teacher. She saw his struggle and went over to him and rubbed his back and talked to him with calm, kind words. She stayed with him the rest of the time. She never got upset, yelled or put him off on someone else. She is one of my all time heroes. 

He even calmed down a bit after sitting with her. I will never forget the kindness she showed him that night. But I will also never forget what it felt like to watch your son struggle with something that is beyond his control. It is heartbreaking.

What is worse is that he was upset for getting upset and he was worried what his family and friends thought about him. I'm proud of him for sticking it out through the whole performance but I have since been weary of him doing anything in front of anyone, ever. I just don't want him to have to go through that again.

Fast forward 2 years, he is now in 2nd grade. His is doing great and making lots of progress but as soon as I found out about the class' winter program, I immediately had flashbacks of kindergarten. Will they ask him not to come? Will he ask not to go? Will someone be with him just in case? I talked to his teacher at our next meeting. I told her my concerns, a little bit about what had happened previously, and that I honestly didn't know if I wanted him to come at all since he had been telling me "I am not going!" She then informed me that she would be out of town the night of the performance, his usual aide wouldn't be there, and he was more or less on his own this time. So my anxiety about this whole shindig skyrocketed by 1000%!

She told me later that she had talked to some of the other teachers and they came up with a plan about how to make him feel comfortable. First, there would be someone with him. Then, they gave him a folder with the words to every song so he could follow along. She said he was doing really well with that and he would be allowed to have it during the performance. Phew! (I love his school!)

Following Along

So during the night of the performance I am a nervous wreck. I'm saying prayers on the way there and I am taking deep breaths so as not to freak him out. As soon as we get there it's time for him to line up with this class. So there he goes. Without me. Who is going to help him? What if he needs me? What if he starts freaking out?

If it's one thing this kid can always do, it's surprise me. He walked right into his place with the other kids. He didn't shed one tear. He never whined, cried, yelled or pitched a fit. In fact, at one point, he was about to start stimming and stopped himself. He has never, NEVER done that before, especially not on his own. People were laughing, singing along, clapping; all the things that I thought would set him off and he steeled himself against it all. I couldn't believe it! I watched in awe as I looked at his face and his slight head tilt and actually saw himself working through the uncomfortableness. As if that wasn't awesome enough, we caught him even attempting to sing along a few times, too! Un-be-lieve-able! I was so proud of him. More proud than words could ever express. So I just cried. 
You are probably thinking "Big deal" or "My kid loves to sing and dance." I know, my daughter does, too. But my son; my son never wants to be the center of attention. This was HUGE for him.
I sent a silent thank you to God for being with ME since I clearly needed it more than Ethan. I will never forget that handsome face smiling and the little hand waving to me as I took  pictures of this epic milestone. Some friends, teachers, and even the principal caught a few pictures of him during the performance because they too, were so amazed at his transformation. None of us could believe how much he has grown and matured. He did it!

And so we have been shouting it from the rooftops. You nailed it bud, and all on your own. I can't wait to see what you amaze me with next!

Homemade

Having 3 hours of sleep is never a good start to the day. With things like not finishing your coffee or having to work 8 non stop hours you start to see signs you didn't get enough sleep..
For instance, you unknowingly switch your 1 yrs old's lunch with your 2yr old's. My 1 yrs old's teacher said she "didn't want to eat her chicken." Me: "Um, I didn't pack her any chicken." So she showed it to me and said "She looked at the chicken, then looked at me and rolled her eyes."
Walking up and down the aisles of the grocery store with 2 small children trying with all your might to think of the 3 things you came in the there for. After leaving the store with umpteen things and $20 some-odd dollars later and you still aren't sure if you got the things you came in there for.
Then you get home to pay bills and you're so wrapped up in paying the bills you didn't realize that almost an hour and 15mins has gone by. It's now dinnertime and you were supposed to have all the dinner prep done 45mins ago. So now, you proceed with your game plan of Homemade fried chicken, Homemade mashed potatoes, peas and Homemade chocolate chip cookies. Another hour and change later, you finally get to sit down to eat.
You make what you thought was a double batch of cookie dough only to have it melt in the oven, spilling over the pan and burning onto the element to make the entire house smell like it was burning to the ground. Side note-you must double EVERYTHING in your recipe; including the flour when making a double batch. Duly noted.
After all of it, the chicken turned out amazing, the mashed potatoes were especially creamy and those cookies (after you add the proper amount of flour) came out so yummy. We made memories. The first time I made cookies for my kids, the first time they tasted cookie dough (and lived to tell about it!)...
Those memories...those are Homemade.

10/3/11

A Letter to Neuro-Typicals Who Don't Get It

Dear Neuro-Typical Adults,
Imagine if you will, 2 children. Child A is a boy, say around 7 years old. Child B is girl about 6 years of age. They have a lot of similarities. Both of them have sparkling blue eyes and blonde hair. Both can read, write, play, love, laugh, and cry. They both have fun and play, they both sometimes need time to themselves. What differences can you find just by looking at them?
I assume you would say something like, "One is a boy, the other is a girl. One is taller or heavier. One is wearing black while the other is wearing green." Perhaps maybe you noticed that one might be older than the other. Those things are all true. But look at them, really look.

Can you tell me which one has Autism?

Can you tell me which one has trouble regulating their own body? Would you be able to tell me which one has fine motor delay? I bet you can't figure out which one has sensitivity to loud noises & touching or which of them has trouble sitting still? Which of them is shy and doesn't do well with strangers or strange places? Who has trouble falling asleep because they're pacing across the room for 2-2 1/2 hours each night? 

Were you able to figure out which one of them has Autism just by looking at them?

While they both look similar, it does not mean they are the same. So just stop; stop trying to make special needs children "act normal." They are different but not less. They are already trying; hard, to fit in and do not need you correcting their every move. Don't yell at the them. Don't embarrass them. Don't make them feel any different than they already do. Let them be kids. Let them regulate themselves the way they know how. Let them be the special people they were meant to be. Stop trying to change them. There is nothing to change. All you are doing is frustrating them, yourselves, and most importantly their mom. 

And if you have the unfortunate luck of saying something condescending to my child while I am standing there, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and if you are still wandering which one of these beautiful children have Autism; it doesn't really matter. They are perfect just the way they are.

Signed,

One Angry Autism Mom

Worry Free

In church this morning, the Pastor spoke about drowning our demons. He retold the story of the demon possessed man (Mark 5:1-20) and how Jesus simply told the demons to come out of the man. The demons asked that they remain by requesting to possess a herd of pigs. After they went into the pigs, the pigs rushed down a steep bank and into a lake where they drowned. Although these demons gave the name Legion, the Pastor reminded us that "demons" have different names. He asked us to identify what demons hold us back or control aspects of our lives and give it to God. He placed buckets in the middle of the aisles and encouraged us to take up a stone, symbolic of our demon and place it into the water where we would be washed of it. It was finally time to confront my demon. My demon is worry. I may put up a good front, but I am in a perpetual state of worry. I worry about my kids, their school work, my husband, selling our house, our jobs, my car, family members, what may or may not happen on a play-date or a group function. You name it and I can show you how to worry about it. Worry causes anxiety and stress and yet I continue to hold on to it, as if letting it go and losing control of it would somehow make things worse. And even as I tell myself I'm giving my worry to God, I think I am not-so-secretly just helping HIM worry about it, too.

As I listened to the pastor explain the sermon, I was already sick with worry. Today was the first day at church that my son who has Autism and sensory processing disorder, among other things, requested to go to Sunday School all by himself. I must sound ridiculous! But to our family, this was huge and an even bigger step in his journey. So I sat in church and listened to the Pastor preach about letting go of your demons as I shook my leg and nervously sipped my coffee. It was then that I got the message. As if God sent it directly to me, I watched a mother, of whom I can only assume was her adult child with some form of Autism or similar special need, caress, hug, talk softly and gently kiss her son. She did all of it with a happy, delighted smile on her face. I keep wondering why she spent so much attention on him as he seemed to be well behaved and in control. As a fellow special needs mom though, I knew she must have had her reasons. Those reasons became clear when, during the portion of the sermon when we were invited to drop the stones into the bucket, the boy and his mother went together...and the young man wouldn't leave. He was very happy to continue dropping stones into the water, walking back and forth, even laughing and clapping at one point and doing it all over again. My heart just smiled. Not just for the young man who was clearly having fun but for the mother, without an ounce of worry on her face, laughed right along with him. She explained to him that he could do it a few more times but then he would have to sit back down. When he didn't immediately respond, I thought Oh, no! What is she going to do if he doesn't listen? But she just laughed and then explained it to him again. She never once looked to see who was staring. She never looked at the Pastor to see if they were causing a disruption. In fact, she leaned over, said something to her husband and they both laughed all while the boy threw another stone into the water and laughed as he rocked back and forth. I could hardly hold back the tears. Not just because it was a beautiful moment to watch but because I was wondering how this woman got to be so carefree.

Shortly after that, the boy went willingly back to his seat, we all said a quick prayer and then it was time for communion. Unabashedly, I continued watching this family as they lined up, directed their son in the correct way to receive communion and then exit the line. I didn't see what happened but it became apparent that he did not do something as expected because there was a small giggle from the group around them and then the family quickly exited the line...all while laughing, the boy included! I was stunned. How can she not be worried about what people will say about her son or her parenting skills? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks... It's not for her to worry about... And look how happy she is because of it! I felt a kinship with this unknown woman. I know she was anticipating something happening with her son as she kept him calm during the service but she didn't worry about it. I also know as a special needs mom, she was ready for anything but she didn't let that stop her from enjoying time with her son or her time at church as we did for so many years. I aspire to be like her.

So I took my communion and made a conscious decision to let go off all my worries; big, small, personal, or professional. I dropped my stone in the bucket and released my demon.
Soon after that church was over and it was time to pick up the kiddos from Sunday School. I made it a point to let my husband go pick up our son and I went to get our daughter from her class. We met back in the hallway. My son was all smiles. I asked, "Did you have a good time today at church?" He said, "You bet." See, nothing to worry about.
That was one small step for me today, too.😏

Making A Friend

I think a lot of us take for granted how easily we can connect with someone. Personally, I'm somewhere in the middle. I can make friends easily but I have to feel some sort of connection there first, otherwise, I don't feel the need to put energy into a relationship that will most likely go nowhere. My son, who has autism and lacks heavily in social skills, doesn't have the luxury. Ethan is a sweet boy who loves everyone. But even if he knows you that does not mean he can play side by side with you. It is a skill he has been learning to develop. Today we had a breakthrough.
While at the park this afternoon, Ethan, who usually plays by himself, was doing just that on the playground inside one of those tiny houses opening and closing the door repeatedly. This little boy came up to him a few minutes later and just stared. He was younger than Ethan but I just assumed he would be like all the other kids and ask me why he kept closing the door or ask why he kept rubbing his legs and jumping. While I was pondering what to say to this boy, and to my utter surprise, the boy started laughing. A happy giggle of pure joy. And to my greater surprise, Ethan laughed with him. That was all it took. Ethan then invited the little boy into his playhouse to open and close the door himself. After many giggles they raced to the see-saw and began to bounce up and down. Ethan the heavier of the two boys, bounced the boy hard enough to bump off his seat for a second and the boy laughed some more. The more he laughed, the more Ethan laughed. So I watched; amazed. This finally happened. One great big step for Ethan and this little boy was such a big part of it. Suddenly, Ethan toppled off the see-saw and began to scream and cry. To my great disappoint, I assumed this new friend would turn away from the screaming and wander off to play with someone else. So in mommy swooped to the rescue. He picked himself up off the ground we talked through it for a minute. To my great astonishment, he ran back to the little boy who was patiently waiting to start playing again. I just stood there, unsure what to do. This has never happened before. I followed them just to be sure he was ok. But there they were, chasing each other up the stairs of the castle finally reaching the top in peels of laughter. This went on for an entire hour. Ethan has never done anything for an hour let alone play with someone he just met. Two more times Ethan got upset but held himself together, asked me for a hug and off he went. Through all of this, that little boy waited patiently for Ethan to calm down and continue playing. This little boy, who I later found out was just 4 years old, never once asked why Ethan cried so much, why he jumped around, or why he rubs his legs all the time. I never want people to feel like they can't ask us questions; I encourage it even. But words cannot express what it feels like for someone to simply accept Ethan the way God made him; no questions asked.
When it finally came time to part ways and believe me, it took all I had to separate the two of them, I heard the boys father calling him and the boy began to cry. Ethan, too, seemed upset and I asked him if he would like to go say goodbye to his new friend. We made our way over to them and I heard the little boy tell his dad that he didn't want to leave his new friend; he really, really liked him. I reminded Ethan to thank the boy and his father for playing with us today. The little boy said he forgot to give Ethan a hug and a kiss took off after him (since Ethan started jumping away). I couldn't stop myself from expressing my appreciation of such a loving family. I told the dad his son truly was a special boy if he could be so sweet to someone he just met. I let him know Ethan had special needs and not many kids play with him because they find it hard to interact with him. They don't try to be mean or anything but they just can't connect with him the same way his son did. They usually give up and go find someone else to play with. But his son didn't. I let him know how much that meant to Ethan and also to me. He might think I'm crazy and I'm ok with that. I told that kid how awesome he was and that we hope we get to see him again soon. Then we all finally parted ways. Whether he knows it or not, that boy was a huge milestone in Ethan's life. The little 4 year old has more compassion in his little finger than most adults have in their whole bodies. These kind, loving boys will turn into exceptional young men.