Worry Free

In church this morning, the Pastor spoke about drowning our demons. He retold the story of the demon possessed man (Mark 5:1-20) and how Jesus simply told the demons to come out of the man. The demons asked that they remain by requesting to possess a herd of pigs. After they went into the pigs, the pigs rushed down a steep bank and into a lake where they drowned. Although these demons gave the name Legion, the Pastor reminded us that "demons" have different names. He asked us to identify what demons hold us back or control aspects of our lives and give it to God. He placed buckets in the middle of the aisles and encouraged us to take up a stone, symbolic of our demon and place it into the water where we would be washed of it. It was finally time to confront my demon. My demon is worry. I may put up a good front, but I am in a perpetual state of worry. I worry about my kids, their school work, my husband, selling our house, our jobs, my car, family members, what may or may not happen on a play-date or a group function. You name it and I can show you how to worry about it. Worry causes anxiety and stress and yet I continue to hold on to it, as if letting it go and losing control of it would somehow make things worse. And even as I tell myself I'm giving my worry to God, I think I am not-so-secretly just helping HIM worry about it, too.

As I listened to the pastor explain the sermon, I was already sick with worry. Today was the first day at church that my son who has Autism and sensory processing disorder, among other things, requested to go to Sunday School all by himself. I must sound ridiculous! But to our family, this was huge and an even bigger step in his journey. So I sat in church and listened to the Pastor preach about letting go of your demons as I shook my leg and nervously sipped my coffee. It was then that I got the message. As if God sent it directly to me, I watched a mother, of whom I can only assume was her adult child with some form of Autism or similar special need, caress, hug, talk softly and gently kiss her son. She did all of it with a happy, delighted smile on her face. I keep wondering why she spent so much attention on him as he seemed to be well behaved and in control. As a fellow special needs mom though, I knew she must have had her reasons. Those reasons became clear when, during the portion of the sermon when we were invited to drop the stones into the bucket, the boy and his mother went together...and the young man wouldn't leave. He was very happy to continue dropping stones into the water, walking back and forth, even laughing and clapping at one point and doing it all over again. My heart just smiled. Not just for the young man who was clearly having fun but for the mother, without an ounce of worry on her face, laughed right along with him. She explained to him that he could do it a few more times but then he would have to sit back down. When he didn't immediately respond, I thought Oh, no! What is she going to do if he doesn't listen? But she just laughed and then explained it to him again. She never once looked to see who was staring. She never looked at the Pastor to see if they were causing a disruption. In fact, she leaned over, said something to her husband and they both laughed all while the boy threw another stone into the water and laughed as he rocked back and forth. I could hardly hold back the tears. Not just because it was a beautiful moment to watch but because I was wondering how this woman got to be so carefree.

Shortly after that, the boy went willingly back to his seat, we all said a quick prayer and then it was time for communion. Unabashedly, I continued watching this family as they lined up, directed their son in the correct way to receive communion and then exit the line. I didn't see what happened but it became apparent that he did not do something as expected because there was a small giggle from the group around them and then the family quickly exited the line...all while laughing, the boy included! I was stunned. How can she not be worried about what people will say about her son or her parenting skills? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks... It's not for her to worry about... And look how happy she is because of it! I felt a kinship with this unknown woman. I know she was anticipating something happening with her son as she kept him calm during the service but she didn't worry about it. I also know as a special needs mom, she was ready for anything but she didn't let that stop her from enjoying time with her son or her time at church as we did for so many years. I aspire to be like her.

So I took my communion and made a conscious decision to let go off all my worries; big, small, personal, or professional. I dropped my stone in the bucket and released my demon.
Soon after that church was over and it was time to pick up the kiddos from Sunday School. I made it a point to let my husband go pick up our son and I went to get our daughter from her class. We met back in the hallway. My son was all smiles. I asked, "Did you have a good time today at church?" He said, "You bet." See, nothing to worry about.
That was one small step for me today, too.😏