Go Get 'Em!

As a parent, especially one that is around their children 90% of the time (I am NOT exaggerating), we often wish for alone time or at the very least, some quiet time. Today I finally got it and let me tell you, it is not all its cracked up to be. It's lonely and it's sad. It's too quiet. The lesson I learned today was that all the noise I'm used to hearing, means something. It means I am a mom. It means my children are healthy, maybe not always happy, but it means they are playing together, having fun. Just knowing they are home makes it an entirely different noise.
As I walked into the house with no noise in tow, even the dog cocked his head at me as if to say "Where'd they go?" The silence I hear right now is, quite literally, deafening. No little feet pitter-pattering down the hall, nothing is banging on the walls, no TVs are blaring. Nothing. I can hear the noise from the keys on the keyboard echoing in the house. It is like I've said before, no one tells you about these things until it happens. Then you play the "I Wish" game. "I wish I had played that one extra game," "I wish I had stayed at the park that extra half hour." No one told me how final life feels when your kids aren't around. Never will there be any babies in preschool, no diapers to change, no babies to feed or put clothes on. They are all but grown up.
As I'm sure you can tell, today was a roller coaster of emotions for me, much like the last few weeks prior to this bittersweet occasion. Today, my sweet "baby" girl turned five and I sent her off into the world...Ok, it was kindergarten. But in my defense it may as well have been the world.
This kid has been ready for kindergarten for years. She looked forward to the transition; the change in people, surroundings, learning..she couldn't be more ready! But I wasn't. I wasn't ready for my baby to be five. I wasn't ready for my little girl to be away from me. But she was. I still don't think it has sunk in all the way for me yet.
A few days ago, we met her new teacher. We learned about some of the things she was going to be doing in kindergarten this year (homework for one, yes, homework in kindergarten!). I was in awe at the look of wonder on her face; her rapt attention as the teacher explained projects, subjects, and art, I could see the wheels turning in her head as she was already planning what she was going to do. She was excited, thrilled even, for homework! She has waited so long to be "grown up." Her time has finally come.
But its not really her I'm worried about. What worries me is the sad, twisted world we live in. I can no longer keep her in the cocoon I've made around her. I cannot be the barrier between her and the things in this world. She will start to see and hear things more and more and inevitably listen to me, the voice in her head, less and less. How can I protect her? How do I keep her faith strong while I'm not watching? This world is a scary and dangerous place. I'm terrified that it will swallow up my baby, her beliefs, her conscience. What I need to remember, what I need to focus on, is that I am helping to mold a strong, independent girl. She will, in turn, become a strong, independent woman. And that, world, is what YOU should be afraid of. Instead of fearing for her, I will continue to build her up, shape her into what she will mean to this world. I need to stop worrying what the world will do to change her and instead, focus on what she will do to change this world. I know she can do it if she wants to.
So, today I sent her off into the world. As soon as she got there she was itching to start her day. She gave me a kiss, waved goodbye and I drove to work in a puddle of tears. But I wouldn't change a thing. She's going to do great things. Today kindergarten, tomorrow the bus! Who knows what will come after that! You can bet no matter what, her mama will be there somewhere, probably crying her eyes out, but cheering her on louder than anyone. Happy Birthday sweet girl, Go Get 'Em!! Mama loves you more and most!  XOXO