Go Get 'Em!

As a parent, especially one that is around their children 90% of the time (I am NOT exaggerating), we often wish for alone time or at the very least, some quiet time. Today I finally got it and let me tell you, it is not all its cracked up to be. It's lonely and it's sad. It's too quiet. The lesson I learned today was that all the noise I'm used to hearing, means something. It means I am a mom. It means my children are healthy, maybe not always happy, but it means they are playing together, having fun. Just knowing they are home makes it an entirely different noise.
As I walked into the house with no noise in tow, even the dog cocked his head at me as if to say "Where'd they go?" The silence I hear right now is, quite literally, deafening. No little feet pitter-pattering down the hall, nothing is banging on the walls, no TVs are blaring. Nothing. I can hear the noise from the keys on the keyboard echoing in the house. It is like I've said before, no one tells you about these things until it happens. Then you play the "I Wish" game. "I wish I had played that one extra game," "I wish I had stayed at the park that extra half hour." No one told me how final life feels when your kids aren't around. Never will there be any babies in preschool, no diapers to change, no babies to feed or put clothes on. They are all but grown up.
As I'm sure you can tell, today was a roller coaster of emotions for me, much like the last few weeks prior to this bittersweet occasion. Today, my sweet "baby" girl turned five and I sent her off into the world...Ok, it was kindergarten. But in my defense it may as well have been the world.
This kid has been ready for kindergarten for years. She looked forward to the transition; the change in people, surroundings, learning..she couldn't be more ready! But I wasn't. I wasn't ready for my baby to be five. I wasn't ready for my little girl to be away from me. But she was. I still don't think it has sunk in all the way for me yet.
A few days ago, we met her new teacher. We learned about some of the things she was going to be doing in kindergarten this year (homework for one, yes, homework in kindergarten!). I was in awe at the look of wonder on her face; her rapt attention as the teacher explained projects, subjects, and art, I could see the wheels turning in her head as she was already planning what she was going to do. She was excited, thrilled even, for homework! She has waited so long to be "grown up." Her time has finally come.
But its not really her I'm worried about. What worries me is the sad, twisted world we live in. I can no longer keep her in the cocoon I've made around her. I cannot be the barrier between her and the things in this world. She will start to see and hear things more and more and inevitably listen to me, the voice in her head, less and less. How can I protect her? How do I keep her faith strong while I'm not watching? This world is a scary and dangerous place. I'm terrified that it will swallow up my baby, her beliefs, her conscience. What I need to remember, what I need to focus on, is that I am helping to mold a strong, independent girl. She will, in turn, become a strong, independent woman. And that, world, is what YOU should be afraid of. Instead of fearing for her, I will continue to build her up, shape her into what she will mean to this world. I need to stop worrying what the world will do to change her and instead, focus on what she will do to change this world. I know she can do it if she wants to.
So, today I sent her off into the world. As soon as she got there she was itching to start her day. She gave me a kiss, waved goodbye and I drove to work in a puddle of tears. But I wouldn't change a thing. She's going to do great things. Today kindergarten, tomorrow the bus! Who knows what will come after that! You can bet no matter what, her mama will be there somewhere, probably crying her eyes out, but cheering her on louder than anyone. Happy Birthday sweet girl, Go Get 'Em!! Mama loves you more and most!  XOXO

This May Come As a Surprise...

But being a mom is hard!

Well, to be fair, it's really not even that specific. Being a parent, in general, is hard work. I am a mom with many jobs; working mom, stay at home mom, chauffeur, chaperon, baker, dance mom, gym mom, maid...the list goes on.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am exhausted!

It doesn't have to be physically tiring. More often than not, it is more of a mental exhaustion.

I was having coffee with a girlfriend the other afternoon while our kids (four of them between us) played in the other room together. Between our own sips of delicious-but-quickly-turning-cold coffee, we heard laughing, tears, screaming, and running from room to room. Among the chaos, she and I shared stories and anecdotes of our journey through motherhood.

Every couple of sentences we would stop to put out a fire (not literally, thank goodness!), grab a snack/juice, or kiss a boo boo. We shared stories of pregnancy, married life, and those "crazy kids" stories like fights over invisible pictures, when my daughter thought she was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in the middle of a store, and the trials of being a parent to a kid with a particular set of needs.

A few days before that, my family and I had breakfast with my sister and my 2 year old nephew; a very active 2-year-old who was not the least bit interested in sitting still and quiet while waiting for his food. At one point, he screamed to get out of his highchair and once on the ground proceeded to hightail it all over the restaurant and at one point even ending up in the kitchen!

My poor sister. So frazzled. Embarrassed maybe? But she turned to me for help and I did the only thing I thought would solve the problem. I used my phone to turn on Netflix and he watched a whole episode of something while we ate our food. He was still, quiet, and if I may say so, quite content.

About 10 minutes into our meal, my sister looked so distraught. I asked if there was anything wrong and she said something to the effect of, "I always said I wasn't going to let my kid watch T.V. at the table.." She looked so disappointed in herself. The only advice I could give was, "We all say that." And its true; we do! 

It is something I struggle with constantly. I literally stress my brain out wondering if the decisions I make today, right now at this moment, will mess up my kids for the rest of their lives. And it is EXHAUSTING!

My girlfriend expressed some concerns to me about how her children snack throughout the day instead of having just 3 balanced meals a day. My sister asks why her son does this or that. What should she do? How should she do it? 
While I may not stress about those particular things, there is always something else. And its not just us. I know all moms, parents, have these feelings of inadequacy.

I am constantly second-guessing myself. Having a kid with special needs; yep, I'm bound to mess that up. He has to read for 30mins everyday as his homework but he's sprawled out on the floor like a starfish screaming at me. Do I make him do it anyway? Do I skip it right now and try again later? Do I give up tonight and try tomorrow instead?

He's been on the computer for an hour but they say "no more than 30 minutes a day"...Hmmm...But he's so content. Should I cut him off? Should I compromise, bribe, or beg?
Then there's my strong-willed, probably-already-smarter-than-me kid. She just sassed a complete stranger! I am so embarrassed...I should correct her. But then she'll yell at me! She was rude, she should apologize. But I want her to speak her mind and stand up for herself. Did she really just roll her eyes at me? Did she just try to kung-fu kick me (no, she doesn't even take karate classes!) ..in a store? She wants to know why people go hungry and why people die. Should I explain it to her? Will she carry that burden through childhood? UGH! Why is this so hard?!

My kids wake up earlier on the weekends than they do at any point during the week. We let our kids watch T.V. until we are ready to get up, too. Sometimes that can be an hour and a half of Disney Channel! I always reprimand myself for being such a horrible mother. I should get up with them! But it's so early! The paper isn't even in the driveway yet. And the sun-Ack! The sun won't be up for another hour or so. And yet I can never seem to do it. And each weekend I feel like a failure.

With all of these situations happening, I am especially grateful for my faith. Without something there for me to lean on and believe in, I would never have made it this far as a parent. I pray for my kids daily. I pray mostly that I am not screwing them up but on those rare occasions when I do get it right, that it stays in their minds as well as their hearts. I pray they learn from it and are able to look back on it as a guide in their lives.

I use that phrase "We learn something new every day" a lot. Its so true. No matter how big or small. We learn a something about our children, ourselves, our marriage. And when tomorrow comes we can start fresh and try again.

The kids watched 2 hours of T.V. today. Oh no! How about tomorrow we will read instead? They had a cookie at snack time. Say it isn't so! Maybe tomorrow we should have some fruit for snack. We can't get it perfect every time. But we learn and grow. We are in this together. We will never be able to enjoy this journey if we are worrying all the time.

Those trials, our feelings, these are little things I like to call Lessons. Everything is a lesson. A teachable moment not just for the little ones but for us parents, as well. We don't have all the answers, though I will never admit that to them. But we must learn from our praises and our mistakes. We aren't going to get all of the answers right and certainly not on the first try. And what worked for you today may not work again. What works for your friend's children may not work for yours. But we do our best. That's all our children really need. 

Truth About Love

My son Ethan, 5, has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. Immediately upon hearing this people want to offer their condolences for having a child with special needs. For a long time this angered me about people but then I realized that those people must not know what amazing children these kids are. They are so much more than their diagnosis. I feel like there should be more stories about the successes that come out of these 'conditions.'
Ethan's "condition" allows him to see and feel things that a lot of people, even grown ups, cannot. Ethan is very empathetic, kind and generous. He is able to see inside a person for who they really are. It is a trait I wouldn't give up for anything!
A perfect example of this had me completely choked up the other morning while waiting for his bus. Ethan was telling us about Michael. My husband and I were curious and wanted to know more about this Michael. So we asked Ethan:
"Who is Michael?"
"He is my friend," replied Ethan.
"Does he ride your bus?" I asked.
"No," said Ethan.
"Is he in your class?" Asked my husband.
"No," he said.
I finally asked, "Well, how do you know Michael?"
"He is in P.E. with me," he explained.
"Oh," said I. "He is in another class then?"
"Yes. He has a chair with wheels on it." He quickly told us happily.
Upon hearing this, I momentarily panicked at how I was going to explain to him about what it means for this boy to have a wheelchair and how to act {socially} because of it, when I was suddenly interrupted by him excitedly exclaiming, "And I get to push him!"
My eyes completely filled with tears and I smiled really big at him and asked, "Do you love pushing Michael in his chair?"
"Yes!" He said excitedly and giggled to himself.
And here I was, worried about him being politically correct when he hadn't even noticed there was anything to be correct about. All he sees is a friend who he gets to 'play' with...and he loves it! I could not be more proud of him for not only forming a relationship in the first place but for also setting an example for all of us to follow. That's MY boy. And I would not change a thing. :)