Kindergarten

I'm one of "those moms." I take 4,000 pictures of my kids whether there is an accomplishment involved or not (although, there is even more pictures if there is). Kindergarten, to me, is one of those accomplishments. It is a right of passage one takes in order to be considered a kid instead of a toddler. But be warned though; you can never go back.

 

I remember my first day of kindergarten. I had never been in school and I could not fathom why my mother would send me away for 6 hours a day (while juggling a work-from-home-job, other siblings and chores; don't worry mom, I get it now!) I remember being scared, kind of excited but mostly just counting down the time until I could go home. As an adult, I realize now why I went but most importantly, what my mother must have been going through on that dreadful first day.

Then I multiplied that feeling by, oh, say, 5 million and that's what I went through today as my first born walked into his kindergarten class.

I feel that as a mother of a child who has special needs, all my emotions are felt tenfold. With the kindergarten meeting not going well a few months ago, the anxiety I felt was warranted.

 

Would he cry?

Would he be upset after I leave?

Would he get the love and attention he needs?

Would he lash out at the teacher or his friends?

Will he not understand what is going on and wonder where I am all day?

 

Among the normal feelings during this transition, I felt guilt. This is the part about being a mother that nobody tells you about. He's been in preschool with me his whole life. I've never been more than a few doors down. If he needed me, I came running. Even a few months ago we switched pre-k from my school to his current school but that didn't bother me.

 

Today, the lesson I learned was why you never hear people tell stories of those bad memories. It's because everything works out in the end. So that all you're left with is the memories of how well it all turned out.

Ready for his first day of school

My son has anxiety when it comes to people and places he is not familiar with. There was a TON of people at the school during drop off time which usually only agitates him more. But he took it like a champ! He walked into his class, sat down at his desk and got to work. I was so proud of him that the word 'proud' doesn't even do justice to what I was feeling. It was an answered prayer (yes, literally!). The best part, the part that will stay with me forever was when I told him it was time for mommy and daddy to leave, he smiled real big at me and said, "Bye, mommy!"

My big boy.
That was the moment I lost all hope of keeping it together. My eyes instantly filled with tears. I would never forgive myself if I hindered his already amazing progress with my emotional outburst so I immediately hugged and kissed him like he was going off to war and fled the room like it was on fire.
My baby was in kindergarten.

We get out the door and I just let it all out. My husband asks me if I'm ok (as I'm pretty sure I am scaring him). And I shouted "NO!"

I wasn't OK. But my son is.

That's all that matters. I will gladly worry about him so that he won't have to.

Which is precisely what I did all day.

 

As I waited for him to get off the bus, that small moment of panic popped up again.

 

What if he had a horrible day?

What if he hates it there?

What if he's being crying all day for me?

What if...

...What if he had a great day and I didn't need to worry?

 

So, what if I'm that mom? Big deal that I take a thousand pictures of one single event. I will forever have those memories. I will forever be able to look back on all that my son has accomplished. I will be able to share those special moments...

 

because everything worked out in the end :)

 

Me and my kindergartener