I was broken. Defeated.
My soul hurt.
As the water hit my face, something inside me just let go. And I cried, gasping for air. Finally, the tears came, too, and my heart felt empty.
I felt confused and uncertain about what happens next. Until suddenly, I remembered to whom my soul belongs. As the song goes, "In your hurting, in your sorrow I will ask my God to move."
So I did.
I raised my hands to heaven confessing everything that I thought I knew, everything I thought I had under control. I knew this is what it felt like to be completely broken from the ways of this world. I knew I did it to myself; by myself. I knew I was broken in a way only God fix. And I asked Him to fix it; fix me. Make me whole where I let myself come apart. I asked God to fill me up and to be the center of everything I thought I knew. I asked Him to take hold of everything I was so desperately trying to control.
And my aching heart; literally and figuratively, that was so painfully falling apart just moments ago began to mend. I felt it instantly when I asked for God's help. When I let go of my burden's and gave them to the Lord. Within moments, my heart was whole again. A few moments after that, my tears dried themselves and my panicked breathing ceased. The peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7) washed over me. It flowed through me. The pain and the heartache I felt moments ago was completely erased and in it's place was joy, a tangible joy like I hadn't felt in years. I was no longer sad. I no longer felt the desire to give up. Instead, I felt loved; kept. Safe. Understood. The Lord answered by prayer, yes, but he also let me know just how close he truly is. We only have to call on Him! A call only He can answer!
Some will say it was a fluke. A trick of the mind. But that feeling is with me now, several days later. I got up the next day and every day since with a peace that is constantly washing over me and through me. The anger, rage, sadness, and confusion, all of it is gone, placed at Jesus' feet. For the first time in a long time joy, actual joy and appreciation for life sparked within me by the grace of God. I felt like a new person, no longer bound by the chains that were holding me down. A new person transformed through Christ. Hallelujah!
I'm not naïve enough to think the devil won't come for me again because he most certainly will. But like the devil always does, he comes when you least expect it. So be on guard, brothers and sisters. Stay diligent in your bible. The devil can't show up and worm his way into your life when you are walking side by side with Jesus. My God is real. I am safe. I am unbroken.
I am whole and I have been made free. Praise God! Thank you Jesus for loving me💙
