The struggle is so strong sometimes, it is unreal.
Luckily (if you can call it that), this is only the second time we have had to drop an extracurricular activity because my son, who has autism, sensory processing, and now ADHD, cannot cope with all that it takes to be in a small, active class, run by a teacher he is familiar with only on a 30mins per week basis, while several other classes and noises are happening all at the same time. I get it, son. I'm sorry I didn't see it before.
So Ethan has been participating in swim classes for almost a year now. He was learning a lot. But that seems to be about the time frame for which he can stand any one activity. He got off to a rocky start, his teacher was male (yes, for him that matters) and it didn't help that he was very unfamiliar with autism. After a couple weeks in the class, the teacher approached me about Ethan's unwillingness to participate and follow directions. I knew it was just him acting out because he wanted to be the boss. I explained Ethan to his teacher and how he just needed time to warm up to him and after another week or two, they seemed to come to a mutual understanding and they did really well for the next few months.
Then Winter came. Here in Florida, we swim all year. So, while other children left swim classes for the season, Ethan stayed. He seemed to thrive in the smaller, quieter setting, and it helped that he had more one-on-one from his teacher. Then Spring came and I noticed more teachers and classes were growing. He started, little by little, to act out. Sometimes it was a refusal to do something, sometimes it was him purposely doing the opposite of what he was asked. My personal favorite, was him pretending to drown as a way of protest. Grrr...
As Summer is almost here, I see the crowded pool, the number of students and parents around the pool making all sorts of noise, and then there was the new teacher. It started with a sunburn from the past weekend. As, he got in the pool he complained of it burning. As he was "burning" he met his new teacher. As the new teacher asked him to participate he would complain of the "burning..." And so it went for 30 long minutes. I watched him cry, scream louder than most all the kids there, including the babies, say mean things, and splash water at the teacher all to avoid swimming in the pool. I had so many emotions through this ordeal, I honestly couldn't tell you which one to decide on. So I just sat there, speechless. I was angry at him for acting out. But I knew why he was doing it. I was sad for him, too. It was hard to watch. If he could just calm down. If he could just take a few deep breaths he could work through it. But not today. Sometimes he's a rockstar at working through his anxiety and uneasiness. Sometimes, he needs me to hold him and walk him through it. There's no balance. There's no in between. It's just a flip of a coin.
But I got those "stares." You know the ones I'm talking about. Neurotypical parents that look at me like my son is a monstrosity. How could your nearly 8 year old child be making such a fuss over swim class? I truly believe they were waiting for me to take him out of the pool and run away in shame.
Fat chance, Betty Homemaker.
I feel a lot of emotions where my son is concerned. If you have a special needs child, you most certainly understand where I'm coming from. I think it's one of the hardest parts of all of this. I couldn't tell if I wanted to be angry, frustrated, or to just cry it out. All day, every day is a roller coaster of emotion that I can't get off of until he is sleeping soundly in his bed. Even then, there is usually a lot of dizziness afterward. Today's roller coaster had several twists and turns and I was ready to get off by dinnertime. The one emotion I never and will never feel about him is shame. He did not chose this life; this diagnosis or the feelings that come with it. If anything, the shame is on me. I saw his struggle start in Spring and I watched it progress. I often think This will be the one thing he overcomes all on his own!
Lies. Those are called lies.
I tell them to myself to make myself feel better. Yep, denial. I want that for him as most parents do for their children. I want him to be happy and have fun. I just forget there is a limit on the things that make him happy and I can't force it. But I did.
So there I was, watching him pitch the biggest of fits. While I did not approve of his ugliness to his teachers and classmates during said fits (for which there was consequences) I understood why he was having such a hard time. And I was partly to blame. I know my son better than anyone. I should have done something when I first realized he wasn't enjoying the class. I'll do better next time, my sweet boy.
He got out of the pool and we both took a break with a lot of deep breaths. After he got changed, he said "Mommy?" "Yeah, buddy?" He sighed heavily, "I don't think I want to do swim class anymore." "I know, bud." He gave me a surprised look, "You do?" "Yes. But thank you for telling me with your words." Ethan smiled. "You're welcome."
I think as painful as this whole ordeal was and the blame I feel for letting it get to this point, I also think it was a lesson to me, as Ethan's mom, to always go with my gut. If I have to question myself about the answer, than I'm pretty sure I already know what the answer is.
And thus ends our chapter on Swim Lessons. At least for now. The boy loves water. It is one of his favorite things. I don't think he can stay away for too long.
This just means we are on to our next adventure. For however long that lasts. :)
