Oh, The Places He'll Go

Not long after my son, Ethan, was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, we started hearing a lot about the struggles he would have growing up. There was even a doctor (I use that term loosely) who told me that Ethan's behaviors were so bad, he would struggle through Kindergarten, if he would make it through at all.

Quickly following news of all his limitations we noticed that people; fellow parents, children, people without children (my personal favorite), became quick to judge. They each look at him differently. Expressions range from pity to curiosity to dislike. People look at us as parents and judge us, too. They don't take the time to look at the struggle we are persevering through as a family.

 

This morning the director at Ethan's preschool pulled me aside and asked me why my son was attending his preschool graduation. Normally, he goes to public school in the ESE program during the morning then goes to the preschool in the afternoons. But he has attended this preschool since birth and I felt like he and I have earned this special right of passage and therefore should be in attendance. She said that he doesn't really go to school here so she assumed he wasn't coming. (And I think we all know what happens when we assume..) I told her that he was a student enrolled in the preschool like everyone else and I assumed he would attend. She told me I should have asked her first. I said no and again explained that he was enrolled at the school like everyone else and should get to attend. What she failed to realize, what I can see very clearly, is that she somehow made this about her and it's not. It's about Ethan. It is about how far he has come in the last few years. From screaming and crying while throwing fits on the floor to using his words and reaching those goals that people assumed he wouldn't reach. His hard work, nearly 14 months of Occupational Therapy to get him ready for Kindergarten, and now he finally has something to show for it. And she tried to take that away from him all because she is embarrassed by his behavior. The fidgeting, pacing, teeth grinding, talking out of turn doesn't fit into her perfect little world. I feel sorry for her. All those things are part of what makes Ethan the wonderful, caring and fun little boy that he was made to be and she's missing it. People are missing opportunities to get to know someone so wonderful simply because they don't understand him. It is truly saddening that there are people in this world that will never privilege themselves with a chance to know a kid like Ethan. 

 

Then while Ethan attended his Kindergarten Orientation, I watched the uneasiness settle in and felt the worry creep into my bones. When they called all the students to go to the classrooms with the teachers, the anxiety started, as it usually does. With tears shimmering in his worried, blue eyes he whispered a simple plea, "Mommy, come with me" and it broke my heart in two. Ethan was the only kid in the group who was crying.
I watched him cry as he was asked to walk away from us and go with someone he has never seen before to a place he has never been. It was then that I noticed people staring, judging. I sat worrying what this new chapter in his life will bring. Will he regress? Will he hate me for making him do this? (I felt my own tears forming in my eyes..) Can he do this? Will he make it without me? (I felt my throat start to burn with unshed tears..) 
 

A half hour later, we went to pick Ethan up from his Kindergarten class. He was sitting in a group, still upset but relatively quiet, not screaming or throwing a fit with a Special Ed teacher sitting close by talking him down when he got anxious. No, he wasn't adjusted like the other kids but he was adjusting. At his own pace, sure, but he was doing it. And I couldn't have been prouder! It was then that I realized that my son is "Special Needs." Ever since his diagnosis, I have struggled with him fitting in like a typical child. But that's not who he is. And today I realized that I don't want him to be like that either. He needs an extra hug, or an extra moment to calm down. He needs help staying focused and he's going to need help until he can help himself. And it's OK that he has those 'special needs.' It is people like the Special Ed lady who helped him today, help moms like me realize that yes, he is always going to be a little different but never, NEVER less than anyone else. And no one can make him or us feel that way unless we let them. He can do this! He will make it through this like all the other challenges before. He will never cease to amaze me.

As a parent to a child with special needs, you can't help but worry. For me, I know Ethan's potential, his strengths and weaknesses, what he needs help with, what he pretends to need help with. But most importantly, I know what he is capable of and as much as I do worry, I know he will persevere. He is so strong and courageous; a true fighter. What this lesson has taught me is to let him be brave and fight his own battles. He can do or be anything he wants. But through it all, I will make sure he knows that mommy will always be right beside him, ready to fight, laugh or cry right along with him.

No matter what.

My Little Graduate