The Long Road to Autism

My Son, Ethan. He is a fun, empathetic and well mannered little boy. He loves fiercely. He laughs about almost anything. And he is so very smart. He's also absolutely adorable!

Very recently Ethan, my oldest child, was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I find myself looking back on how we got to this point in our lives without knowing there was something wrong. After a few minutes of contemplating this; it finally came to me.

I knew all along.

I'm sure every parent initially turns to denial when faced with something traumatic. But I knew. And I am ashamed to say that I tried to pretend it wasn't true. I wanted it not to be true for his sake. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to take away any pain or suffering from either one of my kids. To know that this disorder could hinder him physically, emotionally and developmentally makes me hurt for him. But he is so much stronger than me. For the first time, in his four years, I am following his lead. And I couldn't be prouder!

While I had my suspicions, I didn't understand what was happening to him. And I didn't WANT there to be anything wrong with him. Thinking back, I remember when he was just four months old and was already fidgeting and tensing his body in ways 'normal' babies do not. He was such a great baby that I put those worries in the back of my mind. As a toddler, all (and I do mean ALL) he wanted to do was spin toys or watch things that spin. At 2, the emotions inside him were, at times, so uncontrollable, that I cried along with him. I thought it was "terrible two's" and tucked those emotions away, too. At 3, his aversions to touch or being touched, sounds, lights, and strange people or places made us avoid going out of the house unless we needed to. And I would always anticipate the fit that was almost always sure to follow such an adventure. That's when I finally accepted that something wasn't right and I talked to our pediatrician. Even his pediatrician was convinced that he didn't have Autism. She said it might be ADD or ADHD but not Autism.

We first had Ethan evaluated by an Occupational Therapist. After he was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder by the OT, (which is very often associated with Autism) our pediatrician still said no. We found out that Ethan had visual processing and fine motor delays that were significant enough to warrant OT twice a week. Within 6 weeks, it was as if he was getting better. He changed in those few weeks, matured even. I thought we were out of the woods. But even though they appeared less frequently, deep down I could tell Ethan was still struggling with the same issues. Being the person I am, I demanded a referral for a full psychiatric evaluation from my pediatrician. If there is something wrong with my child, if he needed help, then I wanted him to have it. It was then that I accepted in my heart that he would be diagnosed with Autism. Several thousand dollars, one evaluation and a diagnosis later; we knew. We knew what I had known all along. Except now I have a new purpose. I have to be the advocate for him that I wasn't before. I am on a mission now. A mission to get Ethan the help that he needed years ago.

This describes it best.

For many days after his diagnosis, I contemplated how we were going to tell people. Those close to Ethan knew of his struggles but like any parent or loved one, you don't want there to be anything wrong with your child or someone you love. I was working on keeping it together myself. I knew what I have always known in my heart but how do you tell someone that doesn't understand. Afterwards, I finally just decided to tell people the truth. When I told people, there were a lot of hugs, a few "I'm so sorry's," even some 'ignorance is bliss.' I couldn't help but think why is everyone so upset? If its one thing I learned from all of this its that Ethan is stronger than we ever gave him credit for. He made it through all this, too. He is my little superhero.

And he is still the same sweet, smart and caring little boy he always was. Now, he just also happens to have Autism. Don't you worry though, Ethan is going to be just fine. He's got me. And Mommy will be there for him every step of the way. We'll get through this together, Baby Boy.

Me and my Little Monkey